When I’m about to fall asleep I feel that nagging self doubt.  That questioning about what happened.  I think about whether I could have done anything else and I ask myself if I’m a good person or not.  I ask if I tried my hardest, if I’m smart enough or a good enough worker.  I ask myself why it happened to me.  

Then the fear starts to creep back.  My recognition that the lack of unemployment support confirmed that the “authorities” believe my former employer. But then I have to stop myself.  I have to remind myself that it happened to me. That she treated me like that, and that I did my best and worked my hardest to do the job.  I did my best while still choosing to think that I might have been at fault.  I did my best to work on both sides, standing up for myself and understanding I might be wrong about the whole thing.  Despite everything, and how far I’ve come, I still find myself angry and hurt.  I still find myself wishing I could do something to prove them wrong.  To not allow them to have the power they have over me to exist anymore.  

I’m so sick of not believing in myself. I’m so sick of even thinking about it.  Some days I can imagine it never happened.  But lately I find myself seeing more and more of my former coworkers around town. In the beginning each time it happened I would almost have a mini panic attack. My heart would beat painfully, and I would start breathing very fast.  Now my reaction has calmed down, but each interaction still unsettles me; the thought of that place still angers me.  They still have that temporary power over me and I hate them all for it. Then I get angry again.  They’ve changed my life entirely. I thought I was finally starting to focus on what I wanted to do professionally before, and now I feel like I could never work in that field again.  One of the base reasons being for fear of having to talk to those people who hurt me so much.

Now I feel like a mixed metaphor.  What a curve ball I’ve been dealt.