I’m so angry that I still feel this way.
That I can be happy like a child having built a sand castle, wanting to show it off, and even though my friends react and are interested in what I did, I assume that they aren’t impressed or even intrigued by it. I automatically assume that I’m less than ordinary, and that I’m wasting other’s time. Acceptance is a powerful thing. Learning acceptance of oneself, but also learning acceptance of what can be. That you can imagine yourself to be grand and amazing, and that it is so. That you can make self employment work, in a world surrounded by racing rats on a NASCAR turnpike. Nothing is ordinary, it’s all extraordinary and vivid.
I see my friends around me, and I see and hear the wanting. The wish for a more flexible lifestyle, one that didn’t rely on face to face interactions, on people they didn’t know, but on your abilities and work ethic. The wish that so many in my generation want fulfilled. To feel like hard work can pay off. To not feel harassed by others, and to feel that others trust that you are doing your best. I find this so humorous, because I’ve always been able to get a lot done in a short amount of time. I’ve always been a great worker in all previous jobs, but in my most recent one I had serious issues feeling any kind of fulfillment. I would work hard, and do my best and then feel great about my work, and then still be made to feel horrid by the end of the day. This, of course, culminating, in being told later that I was simply imagining the whole thing. I’m sorry. I’m not crazy. I question myself too much to begin with. I was willing to work with them on some things. On others it just started to pile up. I was told by a variety of people that they appreciated me, and appreciated my work. My ability to respond to emails and get things done. I would do my best to get things done as best as I could, but I understood that depending on what the ultimate goal was, quality or timeliness, could vary. I did my best to adjust to that needed demand.
Is normal work life simply going to work 8 to 5, getting harped on whenever you’re even a minute late? Even though you’re willing to stay late every day to get more work done. Wishing that you could just stay later some nights when you’re getting lots done. Instead you’re told that you can’t have that flexibility. Then you’re asked to not attend any meetings, even when requested by others.
I want to be successful, and I want to feel like I can tell my old boss off. I need her to know that I’m effective and powerful, and that she can’t put me down anymore. But you know, why do I need someone’s approval, especially if that someone made me feel so horrid in the first place? Why do I even care what she thinks? Like all others, I try to use what other people think to help verify my baseline identity. If I get notifications that I’m late all the time and that I continuously make mistakes, then I start to self-identify as a delinquent employee, despite whether or not that’s true. What if I simply want to be an employee with flexibly to my work schedule because I’m willing to work late? The worst part of it all is my fear of how those who read this now will react, and how this will affect what they think of me. As I state that I was told I was late, do they believe me, or do they judge me as she did? Do they assume or interpret?
So many questions....all answers are simply acceptance of self. I am who I am. I cannot deny, but I can always work to improve myself towards whatever ideal I am currently heading towards. I am working on so much right now that all I can think about is that I try to get my body back in line, get the homeless connect event off without a hitch, and get this business pulling in the dough. That way Robey and I can stay where we are and be happy. We can start to pay off bills and other such things, pay rent, and buy things we want. We can do things around the house, and I can read books or go to coffee, and have a life with my friends and family.
A lot of hard work will be needed to get that to happen. I think it can be done. I hope others have faith as well.