Every day that I can’t truly work I feel this dread.  This feeling that I’m not doing enough.  Lately it’s been pretty pervasive, this feeling of dread.  Previous to the beginning of my unemployment (i.e. self employment) I had joined a planning committee for a local Homeless Connect Event.  The event was this past Friday, so this past week was making sure all plans were finalized.  It’s been eating up a lot of my time, as I was the person gathering many of the food donations.  It seems that food donations are normally given late, as many people who donate food do so just prior to the event to prevent spoilage.  This meant lots of phone calls and running around for me.  Despite all the event turned out well, and I’m now back to my usual daily toils.
Which means I’m hit stark in the face with the fact that I haven’t touched the MIT course or readings for a couple of days.  I also haven’t played or worked on many things for work since Wednesday before the event.  It will be nice to start feeling ‘work-related’ productive again.
I received another email from an old co-worker.  Just hearing from someone from my old place of work makes me depressed.  Actually, just seeing a facebook profile of one of my old coworkers makes me upset.  It’s amazing just how much my self esteem was affected by it all.  Never doubt just how much your work life can affect your overall mood.  

This email emphasized my need to be self employed.  Each time I think about getting a 9-5 job, I get a little panicky.  I’m so scared of having to work for someone, to have someone make me feel that way again.  So powerless, and so incredibly hopeless.  After reading research from the bullying institute, it talked about how most people in such situations never get out with anything positive.  Most people simply leave, without ever filing a formal complaint.  For those who file a complaint, most never see something positive come out of it.  So I knew that it was coming when I started down the road, I just also knew that it wasn’t going to get any better unless I tried something.  I hope that either self-employment works, or I eventually find a job for someone who enjoys my go-get’em attitude and tenacity.  

For anyone else who has suffered through office bullying my heart goes out to you.  It is very painful and often-times a humiliating experience.  Do your best to not let them get to you. If you start to believe them, it will take you that much longer to find yourself again.    
Here is my little ditty Inkscape project from this morning: