Every once in a while I hear more news from old co-workers. People just wanting to catch up, see how I’m doing. Every time I hear from someone there I feel a tightening in my chest. I feel the tension build in my shoulders. Tears water my cheekbones and I wallow. Depending on my mood the tears will turn to anger, supplemented with confusion and fear. I am constantly fearing they were/are right, that I had no idea what I was doing. That I was bad at my job, and that I imagined being bullied.
It scares me more than I care to say. It immobilizes me. To work on this fear I decided to email someone on the bullying institutes's website, and request to be part of their study. Perhaps this will help me. Perhaps getting a chance to voice my thoughts will help. If it doesn’t help me perhaps it will help the next person, or help legislation get passed. I can’t afford to get counseling, all I can afford right now is Physical Therapy. I want to be able to run again, and go biking again. I’ve had some severe tendinitis in my left knee, and numbness in my left calf muscle for about 4 months now.
I always have these tendrils tickling my brain, emphasizing that getting even would be fun and satisfying. I want them to know how they made me feel; totally unsupported, alone and frightened. By ignoring all of my concerns they basically said that I was a horrid employee, and that I should stop ‘bitching’ and get back to work. That it was all my fault, I was imagining it all, and that how could I think it was my bosses fault.
I hate it that they make me feel this way. It makes me want to crumple up inside. If only I could run, or bike, or do something other than sit at home and work. Here I am gaining weight, sitting on my rear end because I’m slightly immobile at 28. Please Physical Therapy, solve the mysteries that are my leg pain before my insurance runs out.
Current Day Update:
I can run and walk again, I can kind of bike. It’s been helping tremendously, however I’m still having issues coping. I’m finding help and healing through creating my lame-a%# comics and other graphics. However, I did receive an email from the bullying institute that I cannot be part of their study until a year after I stopped working at the place in question. It makes sense for their study, but does prevent me from having that outlet.
The worst part of all of this, is that I constantly assume that all my friends and family agree with my old employers, but don’t say anything because it’s not appropriate. That they think I was just too weak, and too easily felt offended by the criticism. That I did imagine the entire episode, when I felt my employment was threatened. That fear is something that rolls along my brain-walls constantly. Then comes the depression and self-hatred again. Raining from buckets and plaster chunks, sometimes it seeps and other times it knocks me off balance.