Today I filed for unemployment.  

That was painful.  I had been avoiding it for a good while simply because of the fear of possibly having to interact with my former employers.  As they still have to review my application, I know that it’s a possibility.  I don’t want to talk to them ever again.  They hurt me.  I’m finally able to smile without concern.  I’m able to be happy again, and not feel that I’m totally incapable of doing anything well.  

For so long I had this horrid self worth that followed me around.  I consistently felt like the bottom of the pile.  I was barely better than the gum on the bottom of a shoe.  I’m slowly crawling out of that pile.  In part this blog is an example of just how much self reflection and work it’s taking to get out.  I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if I had stayed any longer in that horrid environment.  I’m scared to think of it.  

Touching letters with their stationary and reading their names.  Glancing through my old emails.  Each time I handled another piece I felt my heart tighten and my shoulders rise as if to prepare for a hit.  Thinking of it now makes me want to cry from utter anger and frustration.  

I am never going to let someone make me feel that way about myself again.