What have I to offer?
Then my brain-void fills with thoughts of self loathing and ineptitude. “I’m stupid” is everywhere I look, in everything I do.
I start to think about looking for jobs again. I start to think about getting simple jobs because, perhaps, I just need to make ends meet for a little while. Then I think about running into the people who hurt me so much at my last job, and I become afraid again. I don’t live in the biggest of towns, so running into them is bound to happen. However, it’s more likely if I were to work in a field of service, something more basic where the public sees you more.
I’ve just started laughing again, laughing at full force. As I am in love with my own happiness, the idea of having to return to something that would stifle this is horrifying. However in all honesty it’s not there everyday, this free laughter. It’s there some days, and then gone others, but it’s still there sometimes. I see it, and can feel it and experience it again. The idea of giving that up...
Then I start reworking things that happened and I have trouble sleeping again. I can’t fall asleep because all I do is play reruns of all the things I regret in my own head. I want to be able to push pass this and be able to live life again without regret. How do you learn to live without regret, ever? How do you learn to live and not fall asleep every night in angst and pain because you can’t help but relive it all over again as you crash?