When I think of getting an actual job I’m not as afraid.  My fear is calming down, and I can handle considering it.  However, anytime I think of getting a job in the Academic or Administrative side I start to get a little panicky.  Anything that reminds me of that atmosphere is traumatizing.  Then I think of getting another type of job and my mind calms down.  I think of yard work or more simplistic positions and I don’t fret.  I know those are temporary situations and that I would be so much less invested in the whole job to worry as much about needing to leave if it was a bad situation.
And that comes to the crux of my previous situation.  The reason that my former position, and the situation that came from it, was so traumatizing for me was because I was invested in it.  I believed I had more of a chance to make significant progress in my career through this position and company than any other.  What happened was the feeling that I was being severely prevented by forces that were not under my control.  If anything, these forces were hurting my chances of making anything of myself for a while.  Never before had I felt so controlled by my superiors.  Never before had I felt so stifled.  I had tried so hard to make things work, and I had worked so hard to get the work done.  

I admit, I wasn’t perfect.  I admit I made mistakes.  I admit that I’m human.  I feel that under the situation I was presented with I did an amazing job.  I do a good job.  I’m a decent human being, and I deserve to be treated as such.        

Thus I saved myself.  I choose to leave.  I choose to make a leap and attempt to drastically change my life for the better.  I choose to learn to program.  I still have stress, and there are still things in my life I need to work on, but I can tell you right now I am happier than I’ve been in many, many years.  I feel more capable.  I feel driven.  I’m excited about what I’m doing.  I can actually realize that the people around me want to support me.  That they care for me.  I’m not questioning my friends or my family.  I’m not imaging (as much at least), that everyone is simply putting up with me anymore.  I’m starting to realize what an amazing person I am.  I’m recognizing I make mistakes, but I’m not as torn up by it.  

I’m happy.  I’m generally happy; isn’t that Crazy?!?