So what happened to me last night? I stayed up late reading a good book. Not only that but I went to see the new ‘Muppet’ movie and then went to a local restaurant with some friends afterwards to chat. I’m tired this morning.
I’m more tired than normal. One of my most difficult challenges is simply waking up in the morning. If I don’t wake up before 9:30am I always feel guilty. I don’t seem to have overarching passion that makes me wake up. Then I have this small seed of guilt hiding inside me all day, preventing me from being as productive.
Having watched the ‘Muppet’ movie I was reminded of one of my heroes, Jim Henson. That man made sacrifices all the time. Sacrifices to make creation his life, and he created his dream that lives within so many of us. After being reminded of one of my heroes I couldn’t get out of my head was how much I wanted to create something that would wow people. Something that would make them stop and look and think, something that would make them realize how much I was capable of.
You see, that last part, that is the problem. I think that’s part of why I can’t get up in the morning. I’m doing this sheerly for a self-worth boost. I want to create something amazing not only to make money, but to prove to my peers that I’m impressive. Right now I’m going it for myself and myself alone. If I fail I’m only letting myself down.
For Jim Henson he was doing it for the children. He was doing it for the adults. He was hoping to spread a message and he did so. He had a passion. I have a passion to satisfy my own self worth.
Without a passion that surpasses myself, what am I to do? Can passion develop? Can I find a part of myself that finds satisfaction from my work so much so that I wake up early each morning? Is simply creating games to become a better programmer and web developer enough?
Having my own game to work on has definitely increased my excitement towards my work. I have a product that I feel seriously involved in. A product that I can either make, or break, by my passion. But I still have issues getting up in the morning. I always preferred sleeping in later, but feeling like I am constantly being judged by others because I wake up at 10am each morning always nags me. No, our business isn’t incredibly successful. Yes, we’re still working on making it work. Yes, I got up at 10am this morning. I guess I’m just never serious enough.
But the funny thing is...sometimes I work until midnight. Sometimes I start to get passionate, but am interrupted because the rest of the world is on a different schedule than I am. Then to stay focused I start cutting things out, which then makes me a bit grumpy because I need to be social. So what is the compromise? So many programmers and successful web developers/programmers are known to be somewhat socially disinclined. They hole up to keep their passion fueled and to keep working. Do I change to be more like these programmers? Do I stay in and become a ghost in the night? Is that how I make this work?
Up Next Time: How I learned to crochet and what it means about my programming.