It was so surprising how little it affected me. After a little bit I had my momentary feelings of anger and frustration. Mainly feelings of resentment. Knowing how much I want her to see me succeed, and realize how wrong she was about it, about me. But what does this really mean?
That somewhere deep inside me I still think that they might be partially right, and it scares me. Somewhere I still feel like I wasn’t doing enough, or trying hard enough. I feel that everyday. How can I ever expect to get over that feeling, unless I’m able to accept myself?
I don’t think I’m a slacker. I don’t think I’m a poor worker, but I know I have fairly high expectations of myself. If I don’t meet some of those expectations I chide myself. I can’t accept the mistakes. Because I can’t accept my mistakes from my time at my last job, because I know I have the capability to have noticed them. I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough. So, in the darkest places of my mind, they had a right to blame me.
How do you know when your work is good enough? Where is the cut off point? Where do you know that it wasn’t you, and it had nothing to do with your work ethic, it had to do with someone else not pulling their weight? Especially if they are doing their best to cover their own....backside?
The one thing I could think about when seeing my former boss was that I want her to know she was wrong about me. That I’m intelligent and hard working and that all of her concerns and criticisms were unjust. I wanted to prove her wrong. What would that do? Why do I care what her opinion is of me anymore? I still let her have power over me. I want justice for the wrongful way I feel I was treated. I want an apology. I want recognition from them.
How do you take the step back from your dark places? How do you forgive when you still anger? How do you let go? I’m still working on that one. Is time and simply forgetfulness the answer to letting go? Is it required to forgive the person? What if they were right? They undoubtedly think so, so then, if they will always feel they are right how do I go on when I want them to admit their fault? My emotions want validation, but no one else went through what I went through with me.
The only validation I can receive is from myself, and I don’t seem to trust myself enough to realize I couldn’t have done anything else. I must forgive myself, and accept myself for all my faults. I must learn to be okay with days when I lack focus, or days when things are harder than normal. They occur for everyone. Once I can accept and I can fully recognize that my emotions were valid, and I will no longer care.
But humans, we are an odd bunch. Many of us need validation from those around us. We need others. We are not creatures that can easily live on our own. We need company, either large or small, we need the approval of others. In the end, it’s really that I need these things. If I need these things (validation, acceptance, approval, company) from others, but I cannot truly trust my own self interpretations, how can I expect them to feel the same way about me? I cannot trust what comes out of my mouth, so how should I expect them to?
Once I accept and trust myself I will find peace. I must not expect others to provide it for me.