As many others probably have experienced, working a full time job and doing other things is rather complicated. I am honestly hesitant to say anything at all about how this stresses me out, because a good friend is attempting to work full time and go to grad school full time and somehow she is making it through. I know how stressful it all can be, and how much you have to sacrifice to do more. There are only so many sacrifices I will make.
As I slowly start to get my life back together (after the past year of fluctuation and changes, family troubles, and personal self doubt), I’m able to tackle all of the many personal hurdles I have wanted to cross. I am finally able to take more control of my diet and better physical care of my body. I can actually admit when I’m wrong. Not always at the beginning of an argument per say, but I am getting closer. I am also becoming much better at accepting certain aspects of life; aspects that can be difficult to accept, aspects that would have been much easier to change when I was in school and had more time.
Working full time at one job and attempting to work additional hours for FlamingLunchbox is consistently reminding me that 50 or 60 hour a week jobs may not be something I can ever get used to. Such intense jobs may never be something that makes me happy.
I’m not lifehacker. I’m not all about filling up my time with every waking minute busy with friends or fun. I need evenings to just sit and eat dinner, evenings to enjoy the sunshine. Evenings when I feel relaxed enough to chat with Robey about the news and play the piano in the wee hours before I hit the sack. I need days where I can waste 5 or 6 hours on a hike in the woods. Does this make me less capable? No, but perhaps to some I don’t sound as devoted.
Do you ever feel like the internet is trying to help you find better ways to organize your life, and more things to enjoy, when all it does is make you stressed out about the things you can’t fit in your schedule? What is one of the best things I did to make my life happier? I choose to be selfish and do things I want to do, things that relax and make me happy. I choose to do those things and I don’t feel as guilty about doing them.
Doing this means that sometimes I don’t see friends or family as much as I think I need to. Sometimes the house isn’t as clean. Sometimes I’m very tired all day at work. Sometimes I do or say stupid things. Sometimes I stress eat. But I forgive myself, because I trust that I am attempting to do my best by my friends, family and me. Self-forgiveness is a requirement. A good portion of that is trusting yourself and those you love to love you even when life is hard.