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Friday Poetry Corner

April 22, 2011

Please note that poetry is for me, a way of coping with my thoughts and feelings. Like or dislike, it matters not. However it is posted to show others the personal troubles I am coping with. It is in the hopes that others will not be dissuaded to follow their dreams, due to internal suffering.

Some days

That grey sky is ever so looming

pressing down upon my heart

pushing out my memories of happiness

The where’s and why’s,

and my comprehension

it sits outside my window

viewing it’s own reflection with disdain

I cannot

will not

be a victim

Fighting and straining, grasping towards the edge

looking for another green exit sign.

a sign that says, it’s okay to exit

It’s okay to go.

Or a red exit sign,

stop, as leaving is not an option

I’ll sit here then

where am I to go to?

How am I to leave?

despair is my domain.

A place to revel in, a place to find solace

for what else is there?

when the grey skies

ever looming

sit outside my window

Meaningless words

drivel and garbage heaps fill my mouth

Vomiting I cast them out

Filling other receptacles, others with open arms

Coffee grinders fuel anger

with their whirring and cracking

caffeine graces my lips

and sets fires anew

my world of despair and delusion

Garbage, it’s all garbage

a compost bin that fills with decaying meat

that burns

wriggling worms infesting my soul

burrowing and eating away

a carcass I stand

my eyes wish to water the world

with drips of pain and suffering

selfishness abides here

don’t let it fool you

it sits, unattended and yet visited frequently with hopeful smiles

distraction the only guiding light

the only light, as grey skies

they loom

ever and only

with broken exit signs filling the cold hearth

Please listen to this song to gain hope and acceptance: Let Go - Frou Frou

Good Boss Bad Boss

April 21, 2011

I find it hilarious how uncomfortable people get, when I joke about being unemployed. I’m actually self employed, but I’m just not making any money right now. Although honestly aren’t they the same thing? It would be nice if it were a more comfortable topic for others, because I’m so happy right now. Learning new things, challenging myself, daily working longer hours. It doesn’t feel bad and I don’t feel irresponsible, it just feels great. I haven’t felt this good about myself and the work I do for a long time. I can actually choose to work those longer hours, and challenge myself to be better and more amazing at what I do, because it makes a difference and I see it each day. I don’t have to go through tons of people to get it approved. Yes, it’s scary as hell. I wouldn’t say I’m an amazingly talented person either. I’ve some ability overall, but making this business successful...I want to make it work. I think the dedication here is what makes the difference. The grunt work that I need to work on each day is not nearly as droning, as I know what it gets me. I see the results.

I think many people would find that they too have more ability and creativity than they thought, if they had the time to devote to it. That is, if they weren’t in jobs that made them unhappy already. That last thought, that honestly may be one of the major reasons why so many people don’t wish to talk to me about my unemployment/self employment. They are working jobs that make them unhappy, they don’t feel that they can do anything about it. They may be jealous, and wish the same for themselves. Whatever it is, I know I’m just speculating. Until I’m actually earning enough to pay rent I don’t know if I can really say much besides I’m enjoying myself.

After thinking about this, I came up with a list of the things about my new position that make me happy. Things that I feel, if employers could provide them to their employees, would make employees feel so much happier at their jobs.

Flexibility is provided, because people have a life outside of work
Trusting that their employees want to get the job done
Understanding in that we are human, and do human things
An avid wish to provide professional development opportunities
An environment where making mistakes is understood to be part of the learning process

All of these things are contigent upon the employer also not doing horrid things. Such things can include but are not limited to:

Lying to their superiors
Intentionally hiding information
Blaming miscommunication (or anything really) on their subordinates without due cause

That said, I hope that for whatever job comes my way in the future most of the things on the first list will exist while nothing on the second one be present.

Internet Advertising

April 20, 2011

Lately I’ve been doing a fair amount of research regarding Internet advertising. I have so much more respect for those out there wanting to make a buck off of blogging or websites. There are so many different kinds of advertising to choose from. Just sorting through the different advertising agency websites is a pain. They all do it and set it up so differently, and to even know what kind of services they offer is tricky. Sometimes you have to provide email addresses and other personal information before you learn pertinent advertising related info. For others you have to apply before they will even tell you anything about their advertising.

But to have any online advertising really work for you, you need a certain amount of views per day, which in and of itself is trying. Afterwards you decide on which type to use. Here are some examples of the different kinds out there:

CPC - Cost per click, each time someone clicks on an ad they make a buck
CPM - Cost per view, each time the ad is viewed they make a buck
Commission - each time a form is filled out, or a purchase made, they make a buck
Banner ads - ads in banner form either down the side or at the top or bottom of a site, can be CPC or CPM.
Text based ads - ads listed only in text. Many email accounts will use these. They can be CPM, but are normally CPC based.
Text-links - when you see the text of the blog or site highlighted all over the place, the ads you see when you hover over the link. I find these truly annoying, if anything it dissuades me from using that website then and in the future.
Pop-up ads - We all hate these, but they make some people a lot of money
Videos - advertisements you must view before playing/watching anything

Really though the best place to get a thorough compilation of online advertising is: Wikipedia.

Having done this research I came upon a sad realisation. I haven’t had cable for years. I thought that I had been exposed to less advertising because of my lack of cable and dreaded ‘Commercials’. Looks like I’ve been exposing myself to just as much, if not more.

I used to think that simply seeing tons of billboards, TV ads, magazine ads was an excessive amount of advertising. But now realizing just how much I still see...Can you imagine the text/information overload of the next generation? This makes me that much more thankful for those sites out there with little to no ads visible. They provide an actual break from the overload. Pre-Internet the written advertisement came in magazines or newspapers. But for books the advertisements for the most part were minimal. Now so much of what we see is riddled with advertisements. Sometimes conversation topics are heavy with the talk of commercials during the Superbowl. Recognition of advertisement jingles or other phraseology is frightening.

Luckily there is a movement towards allowing advertising to be focused for your region. So, for Internet advertising banners you can now choose to advertise for local businesses instead of massive corporations. Thankfully ‘The Man’ still provides options.

There goes the Serpentine Belt!

April 19, 2011

This past weekend was packed full of visiting family and friends. It was a weekend right after a large event happened, that I helped to plan. I hadn’t been able to work for about 3 to 4 days, and I was starting to go bonkers. That weekend at his parents we visited Costco and picked up some goodies, and we also ended up watching that “Facebook” movie. I worked on some blogging things, Robey helped his dad get the squirrels out of the garage roof area,. Seems like the squirrels were chewing on electrical wires, and his dad was worried about them starting a fire. All in all, a productive weekend.

We were late heading home Monday morning from Robey’s folks and I was really antsy. I wanted to get home and start getting some work done. The more time it took, the more I fidgeted and the more grumpy I became. I would pack things as soon as they were ready, not really allowing Robey to pack anything away. It didn’t take long, and everything was packed in the car. After a bit of chatting we said our goodbyes.

Excited for my soon to be tasted Dutch Bros I revved up the car, and started heading out of the driveway. As I started driving I noticed that the wheel wasn’t turning at all, and it took serious strength to move it. Thinking at first that the power steering was shot, I stopped the car, gave it a second, and then moved forward again to check. The wheel still wasn’t budging. Robey and I traded seats, and he gave it a go. No difference.

At this point I’m starting to crack. I had wanted to get back home and get started on work but it was starting to look like it wouldn’t happen today. Robey calls his father right away, as he had changed the tires for us over the weekend. His dad decided to come straight home to check it out for us. He’s about 30 minutes from their house, so we go inside to wait for him. At this point Robey and I start fighting. I’m all stressed, wanting to get work done, and Robey’s stressed, wanting to help his parents and get work done. We’re both just ready to head out, and subsequently steam is let off in not the most appropriate of places. Our argument eventually winds down as I calm down a bit and we started figuring things out. This happened about the same time his father gets back home, and starts working on the car.

As we head out to check in on the ‘goings on’, his father speaks up. “I think I know what your problem is,” he chuckles and walks us over to the car, oblivious to our having argued the past 30 minutes. He lifted the hood and we peered in. It seems the squirrels who had been in love with electrical wire, decided to make a new home of our car engine. They had ripped up a good portion of the hood lining to create a nest, and then settled in for a nap. When I started up the car, the squirrel had been sleeping right next to one of the belts. Suffice it to say, it ended up getting caught in the belt, and the engine area was a ‘mess’. It seems that fast moving items can spread bits of things quite a ways within an enclosed area.

Moral of the story: Check under your hood before starting your car, especially if you recently removed a wire crunching squirrel from it’s home.

Additional note: Our car is now thusly named the 'Squirrel Processor'

Droidironiciphany

April 18, 2011

First Check in...The purpose of blogging

April 17, 2011

The past two days have been very trying. I’ve been working, putting most of the finishing touches on my blog, however I know even now that it’s going to be finished. I have tons of touches to work on.

I find it humorous to be writing this post now, as I just posted my first post for the blog. Time, you are fickle...trying to trick me, and everyone else! I know your game!

Now that my blog is out there (mostly), I’ll get back to my MIT coursework and readings. I’m been neglecting them. However, as it’s 11:14 in the evening, I think I might play some delicious Monkey Island instead. Lair of the Leviathan.

I wonder how my blog will be doing once this post gets up there? I think I’m going to take a bet and say I’m expecting to see 20 posts, and at least 10 comments total. I might be shooting too low. But let’s see!

End Results:

Total Posts: 24 (woo!)

Total Comments: 7 (awww...)

But honestly, My blog is doing other things for me that are way more important than how many people comment on it. Firstly, It's keeping me consistent during the work week. I have to post a blog each day of the work week and I have completed that task. That, of itself, creates that building something feeling inside. It's gooey, like a marshmallow.

Also, I have 4 more posts because I added in content about what I was working on (advertisements and comics), so I was able to talk about what I was working on. Both of which have helped to increase my pride in the work and learning I've been doing. Anyways, thanks to all who read my blog. I know it's helping me, and your comments mean a great deal.

Perhaps I should live in the forest?

April 15, 2011

Most days I wake up and feel like I really don’t know anything. Which in such situations, honestly, my partner doesn’t help. He’s been studying computers and computer languages for years now. So, because I’m trying to learn something totally new previous to my former education, I consistently feel...incapable. Unfortunately my own personal drive creates this internal expectation that I can and should be able to do it all already. Which in turn makes the trying and doing fairly difficult, as I consistently get re-slammed with the idea of not knowin’ nothin’.

Today was one of those days where I worked all day long on something only to find at the end of the day that I’m going to have to start all over. At least that’s the way it feels. At this point I’m going to need to rework quite a bit on my current project. So now, after working for 9 hours on the project, it was fairly disheartening to realize all the work I would need to do. Normally I consider myself to be the kind of person who thinks about everything she needs to ahead of time, and knows that if she didn’t think about it then she’ll try to do something about it when it comes up. If she can. If not, then she’ll just move on and do the best she can with what she’s got. What else can you do really, really? I find many people who continuously prevent themselves from finishing a project because they find other things wrong with it, or they are simply people who can’t live with the fact that they are human. I’m sorry, I will do my best the first time I make it for you, and if there is time I will redo it. Otherwise we’ll address it during the next time around.

However the more I read in the field of Computer Science, the more I realize that many of the great leaps and innovations in this industry have been reworked hundreds of times, by multitudes of people. And this is the line of work I’m moving towards. I know this will be one of my biggest challenges. I will have to learn to make mistakes, day in and day out, and consistently not let it hit me. I will do them again and again until I get it right. That kind of problem solving is what I need to make this business work. Even saying all of this makes me feel slightly stupid, because you always hear those quotes about how only the great things come from banging your head on a door time and again. But as to whether or not that is a feat my burly strength is capable of?

Who knows...

Droidironiciphany

April 15, 2011

A dearth of deathly deaderousciousness dead...thingies...

April 14, 2011

Once again my thoughts are plagued by my previous place of work. I’ve been chatting about it enough, so I’m going to give it a nickname. Let’s call it “Company X”.

Every once in a while I hear more news from old co-workers. People just wanting to catch up, see how I’m doing. Every time I hear from someone there I feel a tightening in my chest. I feel the tension build in my shoulders. Tears water my cheekbones and I wallow. Depending on my mood the tears will turn to anger, supplemented with confusion and fear. I am constantly fearing they were/are right, that I had no idea what I was doing. That I was bad at my job, and that I imagined being bullied.

It scares me more than I care to say. It immobilizes me. To work on this fear I decided to email someone on the bullying institutes's website, and request to be part of their study. Perhaps this will help me. Perhaps getting a chance to voice my thoughts will help. If it doesn’t help me perhaps it will help the next person, or help legislation get passed. I can’t afford to get counseling, all I can afford right now is Physical Therapy. I want to be able to run again, and go biking again. I’ve had some severe tendinitis in my left knee, and numbness in my left calf muscle for about 4 months now.

I always have these tendrils tickling my brain, emphasizing that getting even would be fun and satisfying. I want them to know how they made me feel; totally unsupported, alone and frightened. By ignoring all of my concerns they basically said that I was a horrid employee, and that I should stop ‘bitching’ and get back to work. That it was all my fault, I was imagining it all, and that how could I think it was my bosses fault.

I hate it that they make me feel this way. It makes me want to crumple up inside. If only I could run, or bike, or do something other than sit at home and work. Here I am gaining weight, sitting on my rear end because I’m slightly immobile at 28. Please Physical Therapy, solve the mysteries that are my leg pain before my insurance runs out.

Current Day Update:

I can run and walk again, I can kind of bike. It’s been helping tremendously, however I’m still having issues coping. I’m finding help and healing through creating my lame-a%# comics and other graphics. However, I did receive an email from the bullying institute that I cannot be part of their study until a year after I stopped working at the place in question. It makes sense for their study, but does prevent me from having that outlet.

The worst part of all of this, is that I constantly assume that all my friends and family agree with my old employers, but don’t say anything because it’s not appropriate. That they think I was just too weak, and too easily felt offended by the criticism. That I did imagine the entire episode, when I felt my employment was threatened. That fear is something that rolls along my brain-walls constantly. Then comes the depression and self-hatred again. Raining from buckets and plaster chunks, sometimes it seeps and other times it knocks me off balance.

Woo another creation!!?!?!?! Droidironiciphany

Risk Management, oh, it's not going so well

April 13, 2011

Even if this blog never brings anything to our venture, I must say that writing it is extremely cathartic. Revisiting my emotions surrounding the events that took place. Writing about them, remembering them. My dreams, my nightmares about my experiences, they are dwindling. Less and less do I relive my pain during my sleep. More often I find myself waking up with energy and excitement at learning something each day. Energy for creating something, working on building a business. Building a business in some areas that I know nothing about. It’s incredibly scary. At this point I would have it no other way.

One of the hardest parts about trying this venture is the constant criticism and concerns Robey and I hear from others. Others who could or would never do such a thing on their own. So many people are afraid to try something like this.

“It’s so risky.”

I’m sure many are also thinking of what it might mean to them, if we fail. You can learn about hope and faith...but to truly know it...that’s the trick isn’t it? I don’t think many in my situation know what it’s like. So many people go through life simply working for other people. To take full control like this, is a rarity. Each day is a fight to try to make sure you have the money to pay rent, the money to pay your phone bill. You’re having to teach yourself things, and learn every day because you don’t have others to lean on. Robey and I are in this together, and we only truly have each other.

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