Droidironiciphany
April 13, 2011
This comic is dedicated to none other than that German 'John'. :)
Mangos are tasty
April 12, 2011
Every day that I can’t truly work I feel this dread. This feeling that I’m not doing enough. Lately it’s been pretty pervasive, this feeling of dread. Previous to the beginning of my unemployment (i.e. self employment) I had joined a planning committee for a local Homeless Connect Event. The event was this past Friday, so this past week was making sure all plans were finalized. It’s been eating up a lot of my time, as I was the person gathering many of the food donations. It seems that food donations are normally given late, as many people who donate food do so just prior to the event to prevent spoilage. This meant lots of phone calls and running around for me. Despite all the event turned out well, and I’m now back to my usual daily toils.
Which means I’m hit stark in the face with the fact that I haven’t touched the MIT course or readings for a couple of days. I also haven’t played or worked on many things for work since Wednesday before the event. It will be nice to start feeling ‘work-related’ productive again.
I received another email from an old co-worker. Just hearing from someone from my old place of work makes me depressed. Actually, just seeing a facebook profile of one of my old coworkers makes me upset. It’s amazing just how much my self esteem was affected by it all. Never doubt just how much your work life can affect your overall mood.
This email emphasized my need to be self employed. Each time I think about getting a 9-5 job, I get a little panicky. I’m so scared of having to work for someone, to have someone make me feel that way again. So powerless, and so incredibly hopeless. After reading research from the bullying institute, it talked about how most people in such situations never get out with anything positive. Most people simply leave, without ever filing a formal complaint. For those who file a complaint, most never see something positive come out of it. So I knew that it was coming when I started down the road, I just also knew that it wasn’t going to get any better unless I tried something. I hope that either self-employment works, or I eventually find a job for someone who enjoys my go-get’em attitude and tenacity.
For anyone else who has suffered through office bullying my heart goes out to you. It is very painful and often-times a humiliating experience. Do your best to not let them get to you. If you start to believe them, it will take you that much longer to find yourself again.
Which means I’m hit stark in the face with the fact that I haven’t touched the MIT course or readings for a couple of days. I also haven’t played or worked on many things for work since Wednesday before the event. It will be nice to start feeling ‘work-related’ productive again.
I received another email from an old co-worker. Just hearing from someone from my old place of work makes me depressed. Actually, just seeing a facebook profile of one of my old coworkers makes me upset. It’s amazing just how much my self esteem was affected by it all. Never doubt just how much your work life can affect your overall mood.
This email emphasized my need to be self employed. Each time I think about getting a 9-5 job, I get a little panicky. I’m so scared of having to work for someone, to have someone make me feel that way again. So powerless, and so incredibly hopeless. After reading research from the bullying institute, it talked about how most people in such situations never get out with anything positive. Most people simply leave, without ever filing a formal complaint. For those who file a complaint, most never see something positive come out of it. So I knew that it was coming when I started down the road, I just also knew that it wasn’t going to get any better unless I tried something. I hope that either self-employment works, or I eventually find a job for someone who enjoys my go-get’em attitude and tenacity.
For anyone else who has suffered through office bullying my heart goes out to you. It is very painful and often-times a humiliating experience. Do your best to not let them get to you. If you start to believe them, it will take you that much longer to find yourself again.
Here is my little ditty Inkscape project from this morning:
Website Building Blocks
April 11, 2011
Disclaimer: This blog was written previous to the initial launch of BLTP.
Gimp, my new best friend. I’ve been playing around with Gimp, making backgrounds and other helpful things for my things for my Blog. And finally, my blog in it’s entirety is coming around. Hopefully soon I will be able to post my first real entry. By the time you read this you will have seen my backgrounds and other such works for a while, but let me tell you, there’s been lots of head banging (see the non-international version of this phrase for clarification, aka banging of head). Learning how to use CSS and HTML has been the main culprit. Learning about nesting and how things are set together, that has by far been the part that comes in phases. I’ve been steered towards some very useful resources, so for those of you who want to learn how to make your own website definitely look at W3schools and CSS Zen Garden. For those of you who already know how to, please let me know of any resources you use that you find helpful. I am all ears.
In learning about HTML and CSS, I’ve seen just how much can be done within the CSS in making a simple HTML look fantastic. I’m interested in learning how Javascript plays a role as well, but want to have a firmer grasp before I delve into it. For those of you who use Javascript, what do you find it useful for? Is it something that helps more with animation, or do you find that it simplifies other tasks as well?
One item that I need to work on is my ability to set up HTML more simplistically. I’m constantly loosing track of my divs.
I’ve got this odd slight setting to the right on a couple of pages I built for the FlamingLunchbox website. I’ve been told (Robey, or partner), that it must be my divs. Honestly, I’m afraid to look at the page. The coloring scheme I set up uses divs all over the place and it makes viewing that page a pain. And as it goes, it seems that an increase in divs encourages severe head banging.
Gimp, my new best friend. I’ve been playing around with Gimp, making backgrounds and other helpful things for my things for my Blog. And finally, my blog in it’s entirety is coming around. Hopefully soon I will be able to post my first real entry. By the time you read this you will have seen my backgrounds and other such works for a while, but let me tell you, there’s been lots of head banging (see the non-international version of this phrase for clarification, aka banging of head). Learning how to use CSS and HTML has been the main culprit. Learning about nesting and how things are set together, that has by far been the part that comes in phases. I’ve been steered towards some very useful resources, so for those of you who want to learn how to make your own website definitely look at W3schools and CSS Zen Garden. For those of you who already know how to, please let me know of any resources you use that you find helpful. I am all ears.
In learning about HTML and CSS, I’ve seen just how much can be done within the CSS in making a simple HTML look fantastic. I’m interested in learning how Javascript plays a role as well, but want to have a firmer grasp before I delve into it. For those of you who use Javascript, what do you find it useful for? Is it something that helps more with animation, or do you find that it simplifies other tasks as well?
One item that I need to work on is my ability to set up HTML more simplistically. I’m constantly loosing track of my divs.
A div is a term that is used to help identify different sections of your webpage. To use a div you must start it and end it. If you don’t end it, whatever coloring theme you have in that section will continue down the rest of the page. In other words, never loose track of your divs.
I’ve got this odd slight setting to the right on a couple of pages I built for the FlamingLunchbox website. I’ve been told (Robey, or partner), that it must be my divs. Honestly, I’m afraid to look at the page. The coloring scheme I set up uses divs all over the place and it makes viewing that page a pain. And as it goes, it seems that an increase in divs encourages severe head banging.
The Cathedral and the Bazaar
April 08, 2011
Another day filled with HTML and CSS madness. Sometimes trying to get that one single thing to drop into the right location can be quite exasperating.
So, I met a co-worker from an older position I had in town for lunch today. We ended up meeting for lunch in a location very near my most recent place of employment. Part of me was high-strung, in case I ran into an old co-worker. I was very tense. It probably helps a fair amount that I’ve been having less nightmares, otherwise walking to meet her could have induced a panic attack.
I’ve been more productive in my daily work, which is extremely helpful on the financial side of things. Well, hopefully it will be. I’m continuing to work on the readings for the MIT course, and I’ve watched three lectures now. I’ve added to my regimen of work/education the reading of similarly themed book. The Cathedral and the Bazaar; Musings on linux and open source by an accidental revolutionary, by Eric S. Raymond. It begins by discussing the history of the Internet (or ARPANET). It also discusses computers and programming that I’ve never even heard about. I wonder how the strides in technology over these past 20 years will be viewed in history. I wonder if they’re in any high school text books yet. I still remember using MS-DOS to get into Simon the Sorcerer, or the old green screen Oregon Trail. Duke Nukem.....there was a fun game. Simplistic yet addicting. How will the gaming industry, and the boom in computer and gaming systems be seen by future generations?
So, I met a co-worker from an older position I had in town for lunch today. We ended up meeting for lunch in a location very near my most recent place of employment. Part of me was high-strung, in case I ran into an old co-worker. I was very tense. It probably helps a fair amount that I’ve been having less nightmares, otherwise walking to meet her could have induced a panic attack.
I’ve been more productive in my daily work, which is extremely helpful on the financial side of things. Well, hopefully it will be. I’m continuing to work on the readings for the MIT course, and I’ve watched three lectures now. I’ve added to my regimen of work/education the reading of similarly themed book. The Cathedral and the Bazaar; Musings on linux and open source by an accidental revolutionary, by Eric S. Raymond. It begins by discussing the history of the Internet (or ARPANET). It also discusses computers and programming that I’ve never even heard about. I wonder how the strides in technology over these past 20 years will be viewed in history. I wonder if they’re in any high school text books yet. I still remember using MS-DOS to get into Simon the Sorcerer, or the old green screen Oregon Trail. Duke Nukem.....there was a fun game. Simplistic yet addicting. How will the gaming industry, and the boom in computer and gaming systems be seen by future generations?
My first Gif...be proud. Be VERY PROUD!
April 08, 2011
And a subsequent ad for Curvy, but I find it really funny.
Also ads I've been working on tonight that I would like to share:
Another:
That last one is not so good, but I am rather proud of the balloon droids.
Anyways, I'm still working on a lot of these, and I'm going for more simple. I'm honestly not a fan of those incredibly busy ads, so I was thinking about only adding in what I've got for now. If you have any ideas or suggestions......please mail by droid only. Droid tokens accepted only.
The Influences of Rural American Literature
April 07, 2011
One of the courses I took when an undergrad, was one about rural American literature. It was one of my favorite courses. I took it at the University of Bergen in Norway. The professor was American, but all of my classmates were from Europe somewhere. One of the things I loved the most about American rural literature, was it was about people trying to make it. Learning how to live in an unpredictable world with little goods. The lifestyle tended to be one of hard work, living in partial solitude, and learning about nature and how it interacts. I remember one of the comments a German exchange student said about one of our authors, “All she does is talk about bugs. It’s so boring. Who would want to read about bugs?” The book we were talking about, Sue Hubbell’s The book of Bees (1988), is one of my favorite books now. To me, it embodied the love of nature and of simple things.
Most of American Rural literature is written about a love of nature, and living in the country. Living in Corvallis, Oregon I am surrounded by many who share the same ideal, despite living in a small city. A want to know your neighbor, to stick your hands in the earth and see the beetles crawl up your arm. A recent article was published in the New York Times, about a new generation of Oregon Farmers. However I find there is a new generation of do-it-yourselfers. Those who want to can their own food, or have their own chickens, make their own food. A generation who wants to drink their own morning coffee and afternoon tea, enjoy the sun, make your own socks and sweaters.
So, as with my previous article when I was talking about my fears, why am I doing all this and whatnot? This is why. I want to do it myself. I want to earn my own money, have a connection with what I’m doing. I want to see how my hard work and effort can make a difference in my life and those around me. I want to have the chance to go to my nephews and nieces birthday parties, or even plan them, because I’m not so stressed out about co-worker relations that I can’t stay. I want to spend the morning waking up and listening to fantastic music, dancing in my kitchen while doing dishes, with the sun pouring in the window. All I do anymore is teach myself things, because I want to know. I want to know that I’ve made my own quilt. I want to make my own clothes. I want to grow my own food, and can my own tomatoes. I want to work, and be willing to choose to work 12 hour days because I’m excited about what I’m doing.
I don’t want to worry about getting back from my 15 minute break on time. I don’t want to worry about spending tons of money on lunch at the nearby store. I don’t want to worry about a file with my name on it that decides my future. I don’t want to worry about having a ‘supervisor’ who I have to have like me. I want the power over my own future, one that my simple ability and work can decide. I want to be able to have my work make the choice. I know that the market may decide things for me, but if I never try this...If I never take the time to do this, I will always feel trapped. I will never feel that choosing to go back to a ‘real job’, was one done not because of social pressure, but because I wanted too.
Here is the Cribbage help icon I've created this past week. You can also see my other artwork as it gets posted on Deviantart. Search for 'pythonliving'
Freak Out
April 06, 2011
What am I doing? I’m 28, with little significant experience in computer science, a basic understanding of a couple of formal languages, and at least 5 to 6 years worth of study and work ahead of me. Honestly, at this point in my life there are only a couple of things I can really say about myself of note. I once knew how to play the french horn well, I have experience in several languages, and I’m intelligent. What am I expecting from a venture into an entirely different field at this point in my life?
Other women may say, you’re 28 what are you complaining about? However with the amount of information one needs to ingest in order to be effective and efficient in a career today, I’m sorely behind. Honestly, I’m scared.
Applications is an emerging market. I have a whiz for a mentor, and a couple of months to feel like I know even slightly what I’m doing. I’m so scared. How on earth is this going to work?
Other women may say, you’re 28 what are you complaining about? However with the amount of information one needs to ingest in order to be effective and efficient in a career today, I’m sorely behind. Honestly, I’m scared.
Applications is an emerging market. I have a whiz for a mentor, and a couple of months to feel like I know even slightly what I’m doing. I’m so scared. How on earth is this going to work?
Modern Needs Sunlight
April 05, 2011
What was it that our fathers and our forefathers had that we don’t? What are those stories we hear, or joke about hearing. “I walked 50 miles to and from school, up hill both ways.” Or phrases like, “When I was your age we had to go visit the Post Office to call someone.” Or, “The things they have in the stores now-a-days. It’s a modern miracle.” Despite all, I feel that had something that we don’t really get enough of in modern society. They had sunlight.
So much of what modern society has brought us is convenience. That way it’s easier for people to work 60 hours a week indoors. They can just walk to the corner, or even within their own building and grab their lunch. Yet, we still have a society rife with phrases that emphasize a love of the natural environment. “A breath of fresh air,” is one of the most significant of these. Over the past 3 or 4 days, as I’ve had a chance to interact with my friends more I’ve learned that everyone misses the sun. Everyone wishes they had more time to be outdoors during the day.
Look at the increase in research on the need for vitamin D. The amount needed by humans only seems to increase with each newly published article. Why is there a wish for fresh cut flowers, or plants inside as well? So many people bring the outdoors inside if they can’t get enough on their own. Some people can have virtual gardens at their desk. Even those people who forget to water, or consistently over-water their plants keep buying new ones every once in a while.
I am convinced that one of the greatest things that our forefathers had was walking those “50 miles to and from school or work”. Everything was a bit slower as the technology and modern convenience of today hadn’t really kicked in. People simply had to spend more time outdoors each day, where they could do nothing but commute without Ipods or cellphones to keep them from getting bored. They had to breathe in the fresh air, and just think while walking to and from their errands. What a horrid prospect!
The Germans have a literary term that reflects on this idea. It’s called “Der Spaziergang.” It basically means, to go for a walk without a reason. In other words, to go for a walk without needing a destination, simply going for a walk to go on a walk. It’s represented in their literature in a variety of ways, but the idea is there.
Having the ability to do this now, to walk just for the sake of walking because of my self-employment, this is one of the most satisfying parts of my new life. It’s the one that I would envy others for. It’s the one that so many talk about wanting to do when at work. Having the flexibility and the ability to be outside.
So much of what modern society has brought us is convenience. That way it’s easier for people to work 60 hours a week indoors. They can just walk to the corner, or even within their own building and grab their lunch. Yet, we still have a society rife with phrases that emphasize a love of the natural environment. “A breath of fresh air,” is one of the most significant of these. Over the past 3 or 4 days, as I’ve had a chance to interact with my friends more I’ve learned that everyone misses the sun. Everyone wishes they had more time to be outdoors during the day.
Look at the increase in research on the need for vitamin D. The amount needed by humans only seems to increase with each newly published article. Why is there a wish for fresh cut flowers, or plants inside as well? So many people bring the outdoors inside if they can’t get enough on their own. Some people can have virtual gardens at their desk. Even those people who forget to water, or consistently over-water their plants keep buying new ones every once in a while.
I am convinced that one of the greatest things that our forefathers had was walking those “50 miles to and from school or work”. Everything was a bit slower as the technology and modern convenience of today hadn’t really kicked in. People simply had to spend more time outdoors each day, where they could do nothing but commute without Ipods or cellphones to keep them from getting bored. They had to breathe in the fresh air, and just think while walking to and from their errands. What a horrid prospect!
The Germans have a literary term that reflects on this idea. It’s called “Der Spaziergang.” It basically means, to go for a walk without a reason. In other words, to go for a walk without needing a destination, simply going for a walk to go on a walk. It’s represented in their literature in a variety of ways, but the idea is there.
Having the ability to do this now, to walk just for the sake of walking because of my self-employment, this is one of the most satisfying parts of my new life. It’s the one that I would envy others for. It’s the one that so many talk about wanting to do when at work. Having the flexibility and the ability to be outside.
Oh, and a side note, here is what I was working on all day yesterday. An icon for our cribbage game :)
A little Monday morning poetry
April 04, 2011
Preface: This poem contains memories of mine, from childhood in the South.
To hate to love To love to hate
I think that everyone can relate
The stars above up in the sky
They travel through mind and through mine eye
With bars of light they reach up top
just like a bully; harassing cop
who asks, why for then did you stop
and writes a ticket so square.
I glide from left and then to right
I stay up late into the night
I hope to love and love to hate
and despite my thought processes I ain’t
a woman, intelligent, young and fair
with kindly voice, and far off stare
I ponder yonder with dreams in tow
upon a glassy sandy shore
I ask for a friendly helping hand
to find my fingers’ve been blown away
a whomping stump with pet firecrackers
done blown my brains out
Cement staircases and an old porcelain toilet
they sit and stare at me as I get eaten
the fire ants, they burn like needles
Great Aunt Ora and Great Aunt Eulean
Youth and Age, and all in between
they sat upon the top of Aunt hill
They sat upon their swing
They told their stories, with rickety voices,
with trembling hands and sad worn faces
They sang songs in my dreams
songs of their youth, with the birth of electricity
With automobiles and store bought dresses
These are the women of my heart.
Women whose pride comes from hand work and field work,
along side the men, to feed your kin
where black coffee and cigarettes were a pleasure
Where watching the sun come up in quite
was worth more than walls made of real wood.
I yearn for roaming chickens, coarse grass, heat and humidity
I miss the south.
I miss the kiss of humidity on my shoulders
and bullfrogs croaking as the fireflies flew.
The sounds of my uncle arguing with his girlfriend when drunk
sounds that made more sense to me than making sure to be successful at work.
Sounds that remind me of home.
I think that everyone can relate
The stars above up in the sky
They travel through mind and through mine eye
With bars of light they reach up top
just like a bully; harassing cop
who asks, why for then did you stop
and writes a ticket so square.
I glide from left and then to right
I stay up late into the night
I hope to love and love to hate
and despite my thought processes I ain’t
a woman, intelligent, young and fair
with kindly voice, and far off stare
I ponder yonder with dreams in tow
upon a glassy sandy shore
I ask for a friendly helping hand
to find my fingers’ve been blown away
a whomping stump with pet firecrackers
done blown my brains out
Cement staircases and an old porcelain toilet
they sit and stare at me as I get eaten
the fire ants, they burn like needles
Great Aunt Ora and Great Aunt Eulean
Youth and Age, and all in between
they sat upon the top of Aunt hill
They sat upon their swing
They told their stories, with rickety voices,
with trembling hands and sad worn faces
They sang songs in my dreams
songs of their youth, with the birth of electricity
With automobiles and store bought dresses
These are the women of my heart.
Women whose pride comes from hand work and field work,
along side the men, to feed your kin
where black coffee and cigarettes were a pleasure
Where watching the sun come up in quite
was worth more than walls made of real wood.
I yearn for roaming chickens, coarse grass, heat and humidity
I miss the south.
I miss the kiss of humidity on my shoulders
and bullfrogs croaking as the fireflies flew.
The sounds of my uncle arguing with his girlfriend when drunk
sounds that made more sense to me than making sure to be successful at work.
Sounds that remind me of home.
Another painful day of self reflection
April 01, 2011
For the first time in quite a while I felt like showing off something to some close friends. Something I had done that was work related. I was showing off the website. At first I was simply excited, wanting to share my happiness and pride in my work. However I could tell right away, once I let my friends see, that I was still feeling the grip of nervousness from my previous position. I felt right away that whatever I was doing was expected of my position, that there was nothing in particular that was exciting about it. Even then, that the updates I had produced for the website were not of any value, and simply looked out dated.
I’m so angry that I still feel this way.
That I can be happy like a child having built a sand castle, wanting to show it off, and even though my friends react and are interested in what I did, I assume that they aren’t impressed or even intrigued by it. I automatically assume that I’m less than ordinary, and that I’m wasting other’s time. Acceptance is a powerful thing. Learning acceptance of oneself, but also learning acceptance of what can be. That you can imagine yourself to be grand and amazing, and that it is so. That you can make self employment work, in a world surrounded by racing rats on a NASCAR turnpike. Nothing is ordinary, it’s all extraordinary and vivid.
I see my friends around me, and I see and hear the wanting. The wish for a more flexible lifestyle, one that didn’t rely on face to face interactions, on people they didn’t know, but on your abilities and work ethic. The wish that so many in my generation want fulfilled. To feel like hard work can pay off. To not feel harassed by others, and to feel that others trust that you are doing your best. I find this so humorous, because I’ve always been able to get a lot done in a short amount of time. I’ve always been a great worker in all previous jobs, but in my most recent one I had serious issues feeling any kind of fulfillment. I would work hard, and do my best and then feel great about my work, and then still be made to feel horrid by the end of the day. This, of course, culminating, in being told later that I was simply imagining the whole thing. I’m sorry. I’m not crazy. I question myself too much to begin with. I was willing to work with them on some things. On others it just started to pile up. I was told by a variety of people that they appreciated me, and appreciated my work. My ability to respond to emails and get things done. I would do my best to get things done as best as I could, but I understood that depending on what the ultimate goal was, quality or timeliness, could vary. I did my best to adjust to that needed demand.
Is normal work life simply going to work 8 to 5, getting harped on whenever you’re even a minute late? Even though you’re willing to stay late every day to get more work done. Wishing that you could just stay later some nights when you’re getting lots done. Instead you’re told that you can’t have that flexibility. Then you’re asked to not attend any meetings, even when requested by others.
I want to be successful, and I want to feel like I can tell my old boss off. I need her to know that I’m effective and powerful, and that she can’t put me down anymore. But you know, why do I need someone’s approval, especially if that someone made me feel so horrid in the first place? Why do I even care what she thinks? Like all others, I try to use what other people think to help verify my baseline identity. If I get notifications that I’m late all the time and that I continuously make mistakes, then I start to self-identify as a delinquent employee, despite whether or not that’s true. What if I simply want to be an employee with flexibly to my work schedule because I’m willing to work late? The worst part of it all is my fear of how those who read this now will react, and how this will affect what they think of me. As I state that I was told I was late, do they believe me, or do they judge me as she did? Do they assume or interpret?
So many questions....all answers are simply acceptance of self. I am who I am. I cannot deny, but I can always work to improve myself towards whatever ideal I am currently heading towards. I am working on so much right now that all I can think about is that I try to get my body back in line, get the homeless connect event off without a hitch, and get this business pulling in the dough. That way Robey and I can stay where we are and be happy. We can start to pay off bills and other such things, pay rent, and buy things we want. We can do things around the house, and I can read books or go to coffee, and have a life with my friends and family.
A lot of hard work will be needed to get that to happen. I think it can be done. I hope others have faith as well.
I’m so angry that I still feel this way.
That I can be happy like a child having built a sand castle, wanting to show it off, and even though my friends react and are interested in what I did, I assume that they aren’t impressed or even intrigued by it. I automatically assume that I’m less than ordinary, and that I’m wasting other’s time. Acceptance is a powerful thing. Learning acceptance of oneself, but also learning acceptance of what can be. That you can imagine yourself to be grand and amazing, and that it is so. That you can make self employment work, in a world surrounded by racing rats on a NASCAR turnpike. Nothing is ordinary, it’s all extraordinary and vivid.
I see my friends around me, and I see and hear the wanting. The wish for a more flexible lifestyle, one that didn’t rely on face to face interactions, on people they didn’t know, but on your abilities and work ethic. The wish that so many in my generation want fulfilled. To feel like hard work can pay off. To not feel harassed by others, and to feel that others trust that you are doing your best. I find this so humorous, because I’ve always been able to get a lot done in a short amount of time. I’ve always been a great worker in all previous jobs, but in my most recent one I had serious issues feeling any kind of fulfillment. I would work hard, and do my best and then feel great about my work, and then still be made to feel horrid by the end of the day. This, of course, culminating, in being told later that I was simply imagining the whole thing. I’m sorry. I’m not crazy. I question myself too much to begin with. I was willing to work with them on some things. On others it just started to pile up. I was told by a variety of people that they appreciated me, and appreciated my work. My ability to respond to emails and get things done. I would do my best to get things done as best as I could, but I understood that depending on what the ultimate goal was, quality or timeliness, could vary. I did my best to adjust to that needed demand.
Is normal work life simply going to work 8 to 5, getting harped on whenever you’re even a minute late? Even though you’re willing to stay late every day to get more work done. Wishing that you could just stay later some nights when you’re getting lots done. Instead you’re told that you can’t have that flexibility. Then you’re asked to not attend any meetings, even when requested by others.
I want to be successful, and I want to feel like I can tell my old boss off. I need her to know that I’m effective and powerful, and that she can’t put me down anymore. But you know, why do I need someone’s approval, especially if that someone made me feel so horrid in the first place? Why do I even care what she thinks? Like all others, I try to use what other people think to help verify my baseline identity. If I get notifications that I’m late all the time and that I continuously make mistakes, then I start to self-identify as a delinquent employee, despite whether or not that’s true. What if I simply want to be an employee with flexibly to my work schedule because I’m willing to work late? The worst part of it all is my fear of how those who read this now will react, and how this will affect what they think of me. As I state that I was told I was late, do they believe me, or do they judge me as she did? Do they assume or interpret?
So many questions....all answers are simply acceptance of self. I am who I am. I cannot deny, but I can always work to improve myself towards whatever ideal I am currently heading towards. I am working on so much right now that all I can think about is that I try to get my body back in line, get the homeless connect event off without a hitch, and get this business pulling in the dough. That way Robey and I can stay where we are and be happy. We can start to pay off bills and other such things, pay rent, and buy things we want. We can do things around the house, and I can read books or go to coffee, and have a life with my friends and family.
A lot of hard work will be needed to get that to happen. I think it can be done. I hope others have faith as well.
2012 FlamingLunchbox unless otherwise noted.